(1) Rad Ralph because he does the whole GREGOR SAMSA thing and then has to SLAUGHTER NEVER-ENDING WAVES of enemies. Talk about a tough day. Kafka would be proud.
(2) Prince Erik because he's got a droopy sword and a droopy eye.
(3) Yuko. 'nuff said.
(4) Timeball...because it GETS NO RESPECT and still has to KICK ASS by rolling safely to the end of the track.
Runner up: Jack Nicklaus. BECAUSE he has the courage to endure CHOPPY scrolls that move at a GLACIAL PACE.