ASTEROIDS - THE MOVIE

[Sinistron]

From the HollywoodReporter:

"Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game "Asteroids." Matthew Lopez will write the script for the feature adaptation, which will be produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura.

In "Asteroids," initially released as an arcade game in 1979, a player controlled a triangular space ship in an asteroid field. The object was to shoot and destroy the hulking masses of rock and the occasional flying saucer while avoiding smashing into both.

As opposed to today's games, there is no story line or fancy world-building mythology, so the studio would be creating a plot from scratch. Universal, however, is used to that development process, as it's in the middle of doing just that for several of the Hasbro board game properties it is translating to the big screen, such as "Battleship" and "Candyland.""



Eh.
And so it begins.  With movie studios so bankrupt of ideas- how long before we see feature length films for Pac-man, Jungle Hunt, Moon Patrol?

[Necromancer]

Are you sure they didn't think that yesterday was April 1st instead of July 1st? 

*edit*

99% accurate descriptions of how the movies would turn out under different directors.

[Arjak]

I believe this proves what many have been thinking for a long time: Hollywood has finally run out of ideas.

[blueraven]

I believe this proves what many have been thinking for a long time: Hollywood has finally run out of ideas.

 

They should spend less than $20 on special effects for consistency.

[Dark Fact]

To me, Hollywood isn't a lost cause until they decide to make a Green Eggs & Ham movie.

[Sinistron]

To me, Hollywood isn't a lost cause until they decide to make a Green Eggs & Ham movie.

They made a Cat in the Hat movie- I'd say that just about qualifies.

[Tatsujin]

lol..that movie will have one difficult plot.

[Tatsujin]

[Arkhan]

there was that dig dug movie already.

Id like to see a Pong movie.

90 minutes of two paraplegic white dudes bouncing a giant ball off their faces as two people hidden from view control their rascal scooterchairs with paddles.

oh the intensity

[Dark Fact]

They made a Cat in the Hat movie- I'd say that just about qualifies.

While I do agree that the Cat in the Hat movie was flat out awful (and a total spit on the grave of Theodor Geisel), the original book at least had something of a story.  Green Eggs and Ham is pretty much Sam-I-Am trying to get his grumpy old friend to try colored meat and poultry in 50 words.  How can you turn that into a 2 hour movie plot?

[esteban]

Asteroids: The Movie will be a stinker, no doubt.

BUT, it doesn't have to be.

THE LAST STARFIGHTER is proof that you can be damn creative and make a kick-ass film from an admittedly silly premise.

I don't know, maybe I'm so old now that I wouldn't mind Asteroids: The Last Retro Starfighter

And I just came up with a premise:

It is the near future. Weapons and space programs are more advanced than those of today.

In this world of super-complex death machines, human operators are even more dependent on very sophisticated / specialized electronic hardware and computers (hell, even my coffee maker is super-complex, I don't know what half the buttons are for, but at least I can program it to grind and brew fresh coffee in the morning).

Anyway, the fact that human operators are over-reliant on advanced computer interfaces has become a weakness, an Achilles heel, if you will... and doing things "manually"--or using only the most basic electronic weapon systems-- is a lost art.... lost.... lost...

Blah, blah, blah, our nation/continent/world is put in peril, and, to make things worse, our detection/weapons systems are failing us. You see, the designers of these systems didn't account for __________________ , and now we are facing a threat rooted in ______________ .

So, Atari, Electronic Arts and Nintendo (who have long-since partnered with Raytheon, Honeywell and other defense contractors) hold the Retro World Championship to recruit a new cohort of pilots/soldiers who can save us all!

Skillz in Atari 2600 games translates into --> saving us all!

Of course, it turns out the skillz needed for Asteroids is the most valuable of all (because it translates directly to manually operating the ultra-modern weapon systems, duh!)

I can't believe I just wasted my time writing this shite up. I hope you appreciate all of the hackneyed crap in there.

[blueraven]

Its gonna be a hour-and-a-half crapfest with ONE SCENE where the camera pans above the ship to make it look like the video game. This is going to make the Dukes Of Hazzard remake look like Oscar Material. I suspect total FAIL. 

[Dark Fact]

Its gonna be a hour-and-a-half crapfest with ONE SCENE where the camera pans above the ship to make it look like the video game. This is going to make the Dukes Of Hazzard remake look like Oscar Material. I suspect total FAIL.

That's what they did for the DOOM movie a while back by having one scene in total first person view and boy everyone knew how that movie turned out!

It's almost like the Hollywood studios want to lose money by making movies like this.

[blueraven]

ASTEROIDS

"Starring Lorenzo Llamas and Debbie Gibson (together again!) as the last two people on earth in the year 2020 who remember how to play Asteroids and save teh wurld from teh d00m. Special cameo appearances by the Harley-Davison from Renegade, Lorenzo's wig and hair extensions from Renegade, Danny Bonaduce, Bozo the Clown, your neighbors cat, Aerosmith, and (insert C-list celebrity here)"

It's almost like the Hollywood studios want to lose money by making movies like this.

I agree. Soooooo bad.

[Dark Fact]

(insert C-list celebrity here)

Carrot Top.